Heaven has seen a great victory tonight.

Some have been wounded
Many are slain
Through the bloodied victory
Your throne: victorious rein
I have raised your banner
The enemy has seen
Deep, deep in his stronghold
Yes, his eyes have seen
He fears the valiant warrior
His spirit knows my blade
Now cowered in his fortress 
Dark plans are made
Made to pour his malice
Made to spite your crown
He fears the growing threat 
He knows the deafening sound
The trumpets sing of victory
The drums of war resound
Your rule has shown its strength
His flag lies on the ground
But he will return
He does not accept defeat
He may have here run
But it is mere retreat
He has seen you, warrior
And shall now come prepared
Never smote with ease
But you need never fear
Look above your head
The standard flies on high
You fight with my sword
By my wind, you fly
Sharped your blade, fast
Rest while you still may
Yes, he will return
With vengeance yet to say:

"You may have his strength
But you still bear yours
There is weakness still
I will find its doors!"

God, you are my strength
I look not to my own
By your shield I hold
Harvest what is sown
Bar the doors of weakness
Give me all you can
I take the shield and sword
The breastplate in my hand
Give my head your helm
Give my waist your belt
You, God, are the victor
No matter what is dealt
I lift my eyes to your light
Your heart shines on mine
Give me courage, oh God
I battle the front line
Give me all I need
From wisdom to your eyes
May I see our enemy
No matter the disguise

The battle, Lord, we've won
The time has come for joy
But the war still rages on
Rest this night, rejoice!


The light from the sun will shine and touch all below; that is its nature and its promise. We may accept it and enjoy it, or we may hide from its touch, but it is still shining and it always will be.


Our hearts are locks with but one key, and although many a key will fit into its cavity, there is only one that will open it


I have to a sort of revelation over these past few months, and it is simply this: God always wants to talk with me. It is not one of those 'once in a blue moon' things like many think, no, He is waiting to be in conversation with me. Even though I might not always hear it, He is always speaking to me. I started to hear God's voice right about the time that I started listening. I think of it like being out at night. If I go on a drive out at night and roll down my windows, I hear crickets chirping and birds cooing and a host of other sounds. But if my windows are up, and my music is on, how am I to hear the quiet voice just outside? No matter how much I cancel it out, though, those sounds are always sitting on the other side of my walls. So is the voice of the one who dearly loves us, and loves to talk with us.

We are given life not that God may live it through us, but that we may live it through Him

Wake Up, You Who Wait

Aslan is on the move
See spring in its march!
Victory shall be his song
Beneath the floral arch
Where his breath remains
Will prosper, bringing life
In ancient green and gold
Stands the awaited wife

Long awaited healing
We hold a frozen land
But we will have revival
Our Savior lies at hand

Ice of once springs forth
Melted by His gaze
From these distant clouds
Burst the glorious rays
What was once but clay
Will break up, bringing forth
The long awaited blooms
Greatest in their worth

The King once more arrives
He calls the dead and weak
"Wake up, you who wait!
The time has come to reap!"


Victory is counted as weakness surpassed
Carried to the hill to see the sun at last
Mute and deaf alike carried here along
From the shattered darkness to sing a new song
Victory lies not within the strength of arm
Nor is the sure avoidance from anything of harm
But in the hollow cry of men who know defeat
Raised within His arms to give what death deplete
Over yonder mountain lie many who succeed
Who fight with strength and valor, led by envy and greed
Their battle may be won, and men may give them praise
A red sun set with blood will see their end of days

Weep not, men of weakness; cry not men of loss
Yours will be the victory that reach beyond the cost
Sing a new song from the weak and humbled voice
Though you see only defeat, I say good men rejoice!
The sun must rise again within its fateful hour
Although we may not know its light, it will be our power
The sword and bow no longer will bring the victory
The banner is now held by Whom we cannot see

So says the Lord

"Sing to me, you weary men of helpless repute 
A weary soul calling me, I will not dispute
I see each bleeding wounded heart lying on the field
I come to you in silence though I may not here reveal
Trust to me, beloved, that I will hear your prayer
Each frail crying warrior I shelter with care
Though you cannot cry out for any man to hear
Mine is not so frail; I bear a listening ear
I judge each by his heart of hearts, though it may be weak
To one humbled in his loss, my heart longs to speak

So set your eyes for daylight, to where the sun will rise
The day is drawing nearer still where I wear no disguise 
Yes, the hour approaches with great exalted praise
Those who sought my heart to heal will have unending days"

So says the Lord


Who but aching bones to call upon your face?
What but idle words to quantify your grace?
Who that you should care, that I would catch a glance?
What has caught your eye that you would ask to dance?

Am I not just larger than the smallest grain of sand?
If you carried me would I fall from your hand?
Why the God who made it all would seek to know my heart
That you would long for me when we fall apart
That I could do you justice unto a faithless world
How to share the glory of the smallest shining pearl?
The greatest understatement any man could ever say:
To call you simply "God", as our speech would say

Galaxies surround you as stars dance in your sight
Suns came to existence as glory to your might
Oceans sing aloud with their voices all as one
To honor Your presence, from which all was begun
Trees and flowers raise to seek your shining face
All of life is captured by your never ending grace

All the words escape me as there were none to start
That I had not the mind of man to gaze upon this art!
Each piece of life unfolded sings in its own way
That I could share their song and glorify all days!
Minds of flesh cannot know what glory lies unsaid
Shut ears and closed mouths, our hearts bow to our heads
Awaken silent hearts, show what is not seen
In our eyes will shine your light like we've never seen

Glory to our maker, creator, giver of all things
I offer you my praise as the one and only King


The Earth Cries Out

Glory to the Maker
King of earth and sky
Heaven's light is brightest 
Within a child's eye
Breath of heaven eases
Peace unto my soul
Joy within the breezes
When the sky shines gold
A tapestry of colors
The artist at His work
Out from His great haven
No longer will he lurk
Sing to Him, Oh angels
Feathered wings abreast
From the seated thrones
Sing from you nests
Fly to Him, dear monarch 
Your wings shall wait no more
Take this message to Him:
"We long to hear you roar!"
Awaken might lion
The sun with warmth awakes
Call us by your standard
Give the earth a shake
By your mane, unite us
Call us to your side
You have called us suns
Remind us we are brides
Call the beauty in us
Leave not heart alone
Here we make the victory
That one day will be shown

The trees dance at your beauty
Look, even the Elm!
In all his splendid garb:
"Glory to Your relm!"

I say, "The earth cries out
From cloud to heart of stone
Listen, even the weeds
Rejoice that they were grown!"

Glory to the father
In the sky, His son
On this day, remind us
Your light: the only One

Heaven's song united
In the earth, a shout:
"See our savior coming!
Our king is on His route!"

Rejoice, oh my soul
Here is found all worth
Weaken not, my soul
He has given us new birth


Words for the Wailing Wall

This poem has a really amazing story behind it. I was sitting at Buon Giorno (the best coffee shop in the entire world), when God started speaking to me about the wailing wall. Now you must understand, some of my closest friends are going on a trip to Isreal -particularly Jerusalem- to pray over Isreal for its oppression and such. So, God tells me to start writing about something that I have very little knowledge of. I begin to write and all of the sudden my pen is practically flying across the page as God puts these words down:

The Lord will bring His laughter
He will dry the tears of the oppressed
From the days of sorrow
He will bring His rest
No more will you falter
Tears of joy are shed
Even through the desert
The shepherd’s sheep were fed
(So says the Lord)
“I fill the broken cisterns
I give to you new wine
Apart from me, no laughter
No joy apart from the vine
Weep not my beloved
I have heard your prayers
Wake up my beloved
In my joy you will share.”

So says the Lord

Rejoice Oh My Soul

From the pain of silence
My soul will not weep
Rejoice my soul, rejoice
His joy is my relief
I will lift my eyes
Take my heart from me
Into yours, Oh Lord
My heart has been set free
Peace to still an ocean
Sorrow cannot take
Tears of joy; a river
Gladness fills a lake
Sky has dried her tears
Light within her eye
No more draining tears
His words do not lie

In the Secret Place

In the secret place
Silence given song
Gentle voice of growing
Rushing river strong
Still; my heart yet quickens
Silence, oh my soul
Within me a wave
Gentle as it bold
Sing to me a song
Open up my ear
Whisper silent love songs
Draw me ever near
No presence as you give
-Even in the sun-
Who close his eyes by night
When you are just begun
Find me in the hollow
In the womb as old
Birth my heart anew
Speak and I am told
Find me as my lover
Embrace me as the bride
It is I you long for
Hold me at your side
Take me in your garden
Here I find your face
Grace me as a lover
In the secret place

A Peace of My Heart

Silence grows with grandeur
So follows my heart
Near the break of twilight
The sky: A work of art
To have glanced a sliver
An aspect of Your joy
Peace to carry onward
To heal what was destroyed
Weaken not, my soul
To come are brighter days
Hold this peace within
‘Till rise another day


Joy to follow mourning;
Morning follow night
Distant, ever shining
Your hope is my delight
One heart to a lover
Held above my head
Hope to start anew
Peace to go unsaid
A broken heart as praise
Poured upon the floor
Falling into creases
I will wait once more

"Twenty Years" (by Augustana)

"Do you wanna see it
The place where I am free?
'Cause in my mind I need it
But you're nowhere near to me

Do you wanna see it
The place where I am free?
'Cause in my mind I've been there
But there's no one here but me..."

Better Than A Hallelujah

Sometime yesterday, I had an idea for a song about praise that I wanted to write. It was going to talk about how sometimes the cry of a broken heart is truer that upraised hands, but the words would not come out. So I do what I usually do at times like this, which is to just sit on it for a while and keep it in the back of my mind until (or if) I get any inspiration. I had just about forgotten about the whole idea when I opened iTunes and saw a new album by Amy Grant (I'm not a huge fan, but I was interested to know that she was still going). The name of the song was "better than a hallelujah", which I didn't find marveling until I listened to the lyrics:

God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves the drunkards cry,
The soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah.

The woman holding on for life,
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done,
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

Better than a church bell ringing,
Better than a choir singing out, singing out.

I really don't know what to take from this, except that God is showing me something, but then again, I only found the song three minutes ago, so I might find more later. 


Praise is easily done on a bright day when the sun is shining and smiles come easily, at a time when you haven't a care in the world; who can deny that? Praise at its greatest is when you are at your least, when the blinds are closed and rain falls as the tears from your face. To lift your eyes to your father and seek hope in this time, knowing that He will save you even as all falls in around you, that is praise.

A Broken Hymn

A broken hymn from a broken man
I came to know you by your silent hand
When words could not come out
I sat alone, a weary shout

When will the sunshine light my face
I feel alone in this human race
All broken things must have their place
So here I lie, a broken vase

Sent to a desert with no sand
Yet all the same a parched and thirsty land
Sent out for work I cannot see
Chained to a God to be set free

When will the sunshine light my face
I feel alone in this human race
All broken things must have their place
So here I lie, a broken vase

On the mountainside a fire burns
Once to see its light never to return
Now lost to find my way back home
Silence shows I am not alone

Here comes the sunshine on my face
held apart from this human race
broken clay left in my place
set to look upon your face

On The Move

Wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight,
At the sound of his roar, sorrows will be no more,
When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death
And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again.
 ~C.S. Lewis, "the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe"~

Aslan is on the move...

"Remember Alice, the Vorpal Blade knows what it wants to do, you just have to hold on tight." -the Mad Hatter, Alice in Wonderland-


If you are reading this post and hoping to find some point at the end, then just don't even read this. Most of the time, this blog is just for my own good anyway.
I really needed to unplug somehow tonight, so I figured I would just write up a blog post. I usually go get coffee (or tea, seeing as I'm not having coffee for lent) when I feel like this, but time is my worst enemy's second cousin's brother-in-law (translation: I have no time). I have so much that I need to be doing right now, from preparing for the talent show on Thursday night to practicing my lines/songs for "You're A Good Man Charlie Brown" to doing my Algebra 2 Homework. I really need to just sit back and look at everything, take a deep breath, and then just take it one step at a time.
Another pressing matter is one that has been on my heart for the last several months. It is almost a vision I guess that you could say about having a group of teenagers that meets and talks and pursues God and throws ideas and thoughts around. Maybe not even a bible study, but something along those lines. I think that something like this is so needed in this generation simply because opening up your heart is a very rare occurrence at this age when it is needed so badly. I have a calling to broken hearts, to those who do not have the strength to stand. That is what brings me alive and where I find God's strength in me, so naturally I want to serve Him in this way. I have prayed for a fellowship of hearts such as this for so long, and I feel that God is moving me towards it, but frankly, I am scared. I am definitely a person who likes to have a plan to some degree and have a general understanding of the way things will turn out, so stepping out like this is a hard thing to do for me. I feel like moses in the desert when he hears a call from the Lord to go and save the people of Isreal. God tells him to simply 'go', he does not say what he should do or how he should do it, but that he should just do it. I do trust God with my life, but something about this is scary to me and quite unnerving.
Well, that's out now. So if you've made to the end of this post, I would just ask that you would pray for me, that I would have the courage to step forward and a peace in my heart.


Through the day a shadow
Away from view of light
Dark side of the moon
A face of purest white
Silently to kill
To keep a heart at bay
Fear will take a mind
And tell it where to stay

Pulled to Sea

Whisper sent form hallowed shore
Ancient breath of love and lore
In the tongue a silent hope
Gathers near an ancient rope

Hung from stars to sea-bound men
Plucked from foxhole, cave, and glen
Break from clay, a foolish turn
To quench the thirsting heart of yearn

Beyond the grasp of mortal man
Knows no end, yet here it stand
Endless beacon by a name
Reputation: human bane

Cursed crucible remain
Tattered tie in blood is stained

Open Heart

What I find in silence
What I wish to hide
All things inside me
I bear upon my side
Weight upon my chest
To smell the morning air
God, you give us breath
Be my taste of air
If all I have is broken
Nothing left remains
Pride left within me
Taken in the rain
To face another day
Alone in my heart
Echoed doubts control
Emptiness apart
Carried down a face
This river, all I hope
One day ocean sea
Survival rests on hope
Open heart attracts love
You find a broken soul
In the pain of sorrow
Fill an empty hole
Death before extinction
My heart will not go out
Attack me all you may
I will not burn out

Awake in Sleep

Three cups sunk to sip
Nothing left but a drip
Proof that I've been here
Nothing else lies near
Waking up to greet the day
I don't know another way
Passing through again
Nothing save this pen
Work is over, I should rest
In my mind, thoughts protest
Through the night awake in thought
Remembering all that I forgot
Great warrior to raise a fight
Arriving with no foe in sight
All prepared for naught
No victory to spot
A fire built to warm a soul
Poking logs, heating coals
Left alone in night
Darkness cools the light
Waiting, waiting, seeking out
Don't know what its all about
Don't know what I'm looking for
This I know: My eyes are sore
Yet here I still remain
Placid and refrained
I will wait on you
I will trust in you

Lost to Regrets

  Do you ever get the feeling that you are working so hard towards something, and just when you are finished, that thing seems to vanish? It is as if I spent endless hours preparing a campsite, making the fire and setting up the tents, but only for me to sit alone starring into the flames that lick the sky.
  This feeling has been set on repeat in my life, like an endless alarm clock that will not turn off. I will rush home to finish my homework, and get everything that I need to done only to sit alone in my room, waiting and watching. I do not know what I am waiting for, or when it will come, yet I wait all the same. On nights like tonight when I should be able to rest easy knowing that I have nothing left to do in the day, I feel that there is always something missing. The words from a song by Blink182 keep coming to mind: "I can't wait 'till I get home to pass the time in my room alone..."
  Several months back (maybe weeks, these days seem so slow), I wrote a post about a dream that I'd had several times and that...well, I'll just paste it in here:

A dream.

I dream that I am going along, as one normally would in a days journey. Cleaning up here, doing school, perhaps calling a friend up to go see a movie. Always, though, there is a nagging sense that I have left something behind, or that I am missing something really important. Like a great grandfather clock in the hall, always in the back of my mind, silently overruling me. I search the drawers, I look through the creaking cabinets, through my backpack and in my car. Unable to remember, unable to call upon previous memories to look back on, unable to do anything but continue on and hope that it wasn't terribly important. Nothing can be too great to leave behind, right?

  I have the insatiable feeling that there is more to this than I give credit for, yet every time I look back and  seek answers, I find nothing. Am I looking for remains of better days? Maybe my mind is searching in the past thinking that all is not lost. Perhaps all is not lost, yet I have moved on. I do not regret what is behind me, nor do I wish to return, but I can't help miss the warmth that is captured in thoughts of yesterday.

  So in summation, I have no summary. Sometimes life is only presented, not fully solved. If I cannot find some way to move on or find peace in the past, taking them for what they were and loving the memory of them, I will loose myself to regrets.

A Disclaimer of Sorts

I have something that I feel I need to clarify for any of you who read these posts. Some people think, from reading some of my posts, that I am a depressed teenager and that I have no life or that I am like Charlie Brown: hopelessly alone. The truth is that I am one of the most loved people on this earth, and that I have so much going for me. The things that I say on this blog are things that come from my heart that God has given me to share, not some way to say 'woe is me'. I think the reason it freaks a lot of people out when they read some of my stuff is because it is not by any means typical for a teenager to be so open. Well, that said, I am anything but typical.

Everyone has things that weigh on their hearts; those are the things that make us who we are. They are usually not dealt with, or are sort of kept in a back corner or a closet of our minds. I am so grateful that God has given me such a trusting heart so that I can unload all the junk that builds up, and deal with it now rather than find it lurking in my shadow twenty years from now.
So there it is, my 'disclaimer' of sorts. I pray that God will give all of your hearts rest from this world, and that you will find freedom to live and love as I am finding.
God bless

Where is the Moon?

This song is one that has been brewing for a while now. It only took me about an hour or two to write with music and everything, which is fast even for me. Wow, this song is engraved so deeply in my mind, it is almost hard for me to believe I played it at open mic (at Buon Giorno) tonight. It is kind of like taking off your shirt in front of an audience, not the worst thing you could do, but it is so strange just the same. So here it is, a song that is a page from my journal, a talk with God and the pain behind it.

Why must you leave? Must you go away?
Can we not bask in another light of day?
What are you running from my dear
Can we not stand and fight the
Fear inside
The fear inside
Fight the fear inside
Away, Won’t you stay

As the sun sets I hold on for the light
Where is the moon? I sit alone in the night
Why must this sun always fall down
And leave me broken on the
Hard cold ground
The hard cold ground
This same old broken ground
Tonight, This can’t be right

You returned , maybe we could make it right
But I stayed alone, my heart won’t stand another night
I tried to love you tried to stay strong
But I’ve been dragged behind you
Far too long
I can’t hold on
I can no longer be strong
For you

A Righteous Plea

Father, here you see
Wicked things are done
Reliance is created
Drawn to as the sun
Weary fish unto bait
Hunger may be filled
But in their hearts, a hook
Young blood is spilled
Follow blind as bats
Feeling warmth and care
Knowing not where they go
Affection is their snare
A longing filled inside them
They cannot deny
Held to as a spell
God you see the lie
It stands proud before us
It sits with head held right
Standing as a candle
Atop lies not a light
Feeding on innocence
Longing, this disease
They find fulfillment here
It takes what it please
Where is the righteousness
Who will cast out night?
Will there be no end to this
Is freedom not in sight?

Give me strength to testify
Be the spirit here
In you God I am strong
In you I have no fear
Be the light behind me
The hands to clean the dirt
To reach below my comfort
Touch the pain and hurt
You know where it lies
How to heal the pain
When the cloud has left
Light will shine again

Cracks of Light

Meetings, greetings; coming, going

Ever changing, never showing
Shattered glass changes view
Cracks in light alter you
Pulling, changing ocean tide
Upon the bough I take a ride
Deepening waves alter sight
Dancing light turns to night
Moon give and take away
Reducing night, bringing day
My fish’s eye, all is bleak
Hints of life have their leak
Chasing butterflies by day
Impressions cast pave my way
Dying sun, dying soul
As the earth my mind grows cold
Catching all yet holding none
Show me I have just begun
Lost from good ‘ol days
Silence grows, I make my way
Quiet walks heal a mind
In remain it will bind
In my wake, not a soul
With each thump another hole
Another night, another blue
Not to stop ‘till I reach you
No equation set to worth
What equates truth unearthed?
Sent to save a broken heart
Worth a rescue from the start
Called by one good and strong
Listen for its beating song
A prisoner caught in war
Wounded and sore
Hold on dear heart
You are set apart

Introspective Telescope (Psalm 51:17)

Lately, as you've most likely read in my previous posts, I've been digging through a lot of pain recently from the past (for some reason that makes me sound old...). I've been really busy though this weekend though and haven't really had much time to get away and do much writing. So I've kinda put it back in the closet for a while, but it keeps coming back over and over again. It won't seem to go away, and that is just it, it will not go away...not on its own. Wounds to our spirit, unlike wounds to our body, will never heal on their own. They may stop hurting, true, they may not be seen to the naked eye, undoubtably,  but they are always there none the less. I have found in my very short time so far on this earth that there is nothing that I, or anyone else can do to heal me. A girl might make it feel better, distractions may take away the pain, but I cannot do anything to heal it. Below is all that I have been feeling, and all the weight on my heart poeticized (is that even a word?). There is so much more on this subject in my life, but all will come out in time.

Hope as scarce as diamonds
A torn and revenged mine
Lost in its darkness
Trapped in my mind
I cry, “father save me!”
“Can’t you see my fear?”
Peeling jolts of thunder
Heavy draining tears
Eclipsed by driving pain
Darkness in the sun
I felt no arm around me
No beating heart but one

In my bones, a hollow
Attracting draft and frost
Words like arrows sting
Echo what I’ve lost

Apart from distant memory
No bowl to catch blood
In this cave, a rustle
From trickle to a flood
To the naked eye, peace
Silence will deceive
When set to ponder wounds
Pains are retrieved
Inside my chest a hole
The size of a heart
Where has gone the strength?
Has all begun to part?
Peering with a flashlight
Seeking parts within
Introspective telescope
Eager eye to lend

Shivering in darkness
Warmth of once is lost
You won’t leave my broken heart
No matter what the cost

I Hate All Your Show

I have found over the years that I am a very trusting person, and will believe almost anyone. Especially with writings and words that they choose to put down. It is such a gift for me and it so close to my heart, so I think that anyone who writes does so from their heart. Unfortunately, I have found, that is not the way our world is. It is painful for me to find that what someone says in everyday life is, in fact, not always what their heart says. The hardest thing for me, though, it when people talk about 'God as their father', and how they 'always rely on Him'. It has become a status to show with pride rather than a promise to be kept at all cost. In my mind it has become nearly synonimous with the idea of a 'purity ring', a way to 'consecrate yourself to the Lord', yet their actions and lives have become gross distortions of the simple commitments. Words not birthed in truth will live their lives well in the moment, but will walk themselves to an untimely death in the end. Don't call yourself a 'man of God' unless you know what that means and are ready to walk it through. I hate all your show.
 So I call myself and all of you out there on this: Who do you say you are? Who does God say you are? What does the world see when they see you? Is it a clean window that will hide nothing when the sun breaks out, or is your window, your mouth, full of things that do not want to be brought into the light. Can you stand up genuine and unashamed in front of those around you when the truth comes out?


I lay an open book
Come and take a look
See what caused these burns
See why the page won’t turn

My mind an open stage
The actors play in rage
Clenching fists and crying out
“We have no lines!”
“We are without!”

My soul a fertile creek
Now has sprung a leak
A place to bring relief
Now mistrust and grief

My heart a compass guide
Pointed south in lie
My true north has failed
My ship has lost its sail


  I figured it was about time for me to write up another 'post'. I've just been so inspired to write poetry lately that I haven't really slowed down for several weeks.

  I told God the other night that I was ready to move on, to become something apart from myself; almost to become a cause outside of my own shoes. That is no small thing to ask, and I realize that there is going to be a lot of growing and a lot of pain in the process, but it is worth it. God took me up on my offer to grow stronger, but that process requires opening of old wounds, which there are plenty of. Today, accordingly, has been a very tough day; many things have been pulled up from the past. I have uncovered a pain that I though no longer hurt, but it still does and it has literally changed the way I am.

  A while back, to make a long story short, I was given the cold shoulder to some random girl that I liked. I brushed is aside as if it had no value whatsoever and continued on, but all the while it was growing deeper and deeper. The lie that is associated with that wound says..."You are not even good enough for a ____ (fill in the blank) like her" and "You are not worth anyone's time; If you want a friend you have to make one." God. The realization came over me like a thick wool blanket; all light was extinguished. It was all that I could do to hold back the tears as I finished up my homework.
  I did what I usually do when my heart is heavy, I went to Buon Giorno. I will just sit ant write (usually poetry and such), and kinda just meet with God and ask Him to "give me his eyes" to disconnect myself from my pain and see what he sees. He really met with me there today and assured me that, "We will walk through this together; You are not alone."
 So, any of my sparse yet dedicated readers, if you would pray that God would see me through to his bigger plan for me, and that I would learn to be led blindly and to trust his voice, that would be such a blessing.

Christopher Steven Coan


With the sunlight, open eyes
What was lost is found
From the cardinal’s mouth
A sweet and lovely sound
A shadow dwelt above my head
Now the storms have gone
The gentle light is peeping out
I gladly look upon

So much has been taken
So much have I lost
Shadows kept on falling
Racking up their costs

To a secret mountain
I go to be healed
With me in the forest
Slowly through the fields
One day to reach water
To bathe deep down
Ever am I thirsty
Needing more of what was found

As I wait to be held
You gentle cradle my mind
Thought we cannot touch
You lead a beggar blind
Broken back from searching
Burned and scathed inside
In warm arms rested
Oh the times I’ve cried
Any would wipe a tear
But only you wipe the heart
Lift the spilled blood
And promise to never part

Diamonds and Roses

Soft–spoken words
Set to earth’s sweet song
Gentle reeds, humble grass
Weakness is so strong
A symphony of gentle sounds
A spirit awakening
Birds fly from the abbey
Hear the church-bells ring
Words give speech to life
But they cannot define
As the smell of spring
It cannot be held in mind
That I could say all I feel
Oh a day that would be
My heart would spill water
My mind would roam free
A hidden river it remains
Showing here and there
Sparkling as sunlight
It is all too rare

To paint a picture in my mind
A beauty can be hard to find
Much pain may be consumed
But it is worth the cherished bloom
I search the stars for a gem
A diamond in the mine
Every now and then they show
Greater than the last find
Yet some remain left alone
Content to be alive
Not to be described
In the silence they thrive
A rose not to be picked
To remain untouched
Never to be picked
Never to be crushed 


Windowpane with snow
Opened in from here
Frost has built up far too long
This window must be cleared
Penetrating chill sets
Shaking in my skin
Snuggled in my memories
Still the cold seeps in
I search for a warm body
One to make me whole
But the cold still lingers
Chilled to the soul
Weeping tears of blood
My heart, it cries out
Seeking another soul
Can I live without?

My pride flies south
Words freeze in my mouth
I am at a loss of life
Ice-covered heart
Don’t know where to start
Maybe spring will bring new life

Frozen crystal drops
Still I sit alone
Apart from you, Oh God
My true heart is my own
Upon a June will be a bloom
A light through the dead of night
Of your soul; this chill is just a hole
From you; only you can heal

A tangle of emotions
I’ve cut myself apart
I won’t play that game
I will protect my heart
Often prey to silence
Caught in past remains
The warmth within my body
Has chilled in my veins

Could spring be on the march?
Is this rose sign?
Be my rest ‘till light
The color within my mind
Yes, winter has its place
To call what summer hides
To take a look down deep
Cold attracts a warm guide

My breathing has slowed
The color has returned
Through your faithfulness
My heart has been well earned
Take me on your chest
Sail with me this night
Take me to your world
To have warmth in the light

A Dream

A dream.

I dream that I am going along, as one normally would in a days journey. Cleaning up here, doing school, perhaps calling a friend up to go see a movie. Always, though, there is a nagging sense that I have left something behind, or that I am missing something really important. Like a great grandfather clock in the hall, always in the back of my mind, silently overruling me. I search the drawers, I look through the creaking cabinets, through my backpack and in my car. Unable to remember, unable to call upon previous memories to look back on, unable to do anything but continue on and hope that it wasn't terribly important. Nothing can be too great to leave behind, right?

I can't sleep. I keep having this dream. I think that today I have had it about 4 times, and I can't for the life of me know what it is about. I've been feeling really sick lately though, maybe it is just my mind messing with me. But I am not one to easily discount anything that presents itself, so I am going to pray about it and see if anything comes up. It is rather interesting though, just today in my Psychology class we started discussing dreams and what effect they have on us, or what (if anything) they mean. Maybe it is just our mind trying to have some fun and kick back after all that algebra. Maybe it is nothing more than pictures simulated by our memories and thoughts that have prevailed throughout the day. Perhaps. Or could there be more to it than even our great science can analyze? Maybe it is one of many ways our father speaks to us. Maybe those dreams about you running but not moving anywhere are saying something more than you consumed too much milk before bed. Could it be that our dreams are a link-albeit a thin and unstable one-to something deeper than can be determined by process or analysis?


A naked tree is worthless; no garments of leaf, no crown of fruit, no shade to offer, it serves no purpose but to be spit to the heavens as smoke. Those details, the small, seemingly insignificant details bring insurmountable life into our own. The body is mine, be the details father

Learning to Fall

Oh mournful winter day
Tears wash our skin away
Darkness brings light underneath
Rain washes smiles off the grief
Clouds of sorrow, a looking glass
Awakening shadows of the past
Oh heavy eyes, how you see
Touching the deepest part of me
The weight of a dying world
A scarred and fallen world

Silence of the void
Strength of arm destroyed
All because you cry
Weary in your disguise
An open-heart caught away
Held back by delay
In a pause begins to weep
Blood not flowing is made to seep
From my chest, a falling stone
Apart from me, it dwells alone
Ever deeper, ever falling
Deepest oceans crags are calling
Lowest depths, greatest heights
Far away an endless flight
My head is tied above the ground
A greater love above is found

Oh wandering soul, where do you go?
Where does the wind carry you?
Drifting slow within the flow
Lost to find what is true

Held inside a body of earth
One day you will have new birth
One day not held back by lies
Free from a thinly veiled disguise
Tell me how to let you free
Open my eyes, let me see
Beauty lies beyond mere hands
As a desert is more than dying sand
Yet in this world is needed rain
Grow a heart to smell its pain
To each man, a broken part
Blooming with sincere hearts
Even a lily pulled from the ground
Will grow to beauty once earth is found

Ever dying, ever crying
A heart must bear its scars
Let to fly in the sky
This stone becomes a star

Mourning hearts turn to a drip
My mind departs with one last sip
God bless this heavy heart
The sinking stone that pulled me apart
Thankful to the weary sky
Through his pain I’ve seen his eye
I won’t forget his tears
His heavy, healing tears

A Day Yet So Much More

In the crisp air of the morning
I went to talk with you
To open up my heart
To see what words were new
I went out for myself
Although I would not day
You never said a word

You led me out when the sun was high
Reading my heart like a page
There in the shadow of the snow
I emptied out my rage
Let me have it all you said
The curses and the tears
Although I screamed you kissed me cheek

A step, a tear on the coldest eve
I laid it all down
I broke the dam and let it flood
A river way was found
Dancing in the cold white eye
These wet drops of light
Yet I let no tear go in vain

You found me
even in a dead oak tree
Underneath a frozen sky
These pools of light have caught your eye
You catch these tears I cry

I used you
I never thought it would be true
God can you ever take me back
There are so many things I lack
It is good to have you back

Voice of Life

Weary soul unwound 
Released as caged birds to flight 
Set free to the light  
Found within hiding 
Gentle words release as smoke 
Silent embers stoked  
Poetry of heart 
Words unfiltered by design 
True statements to find  
Ones perspective made 
There is no right or wrong 
Only verse and song  
Sweet release of lies 
A gold key to open truth 
Pure and selfless truth  
Personal in touch 
The maker becomes his mark
Journey to embark  
Listen as it speaks 
All life has its word to say  
So short here to stay  
Write upon a page 
Capture all their thoughts in pen 
From lily to wren  
Listen well, feel it 
Overwhelming in beauty 
Never fully caught 
Only ever sought

Oh Strong Warrior

Ride out strong warrior
Hold your bow to arm
Stand fast oh soldier
Have no fear of harm
Upon your shield a firebrand
A mark of a great king
Within your blade a lifeblood
Your foe will know its sting
Be strong dear heart
You fight an unseen foe
With fury as a lion
Singing peace as a sparrow
Surrender gentle soul
You sit among men of peace
Do not loose sight of beauty
Love must have its release
Although amidst a battle
You are called away
To the wounded you are led
Your voice has much to say
Take the reins great captain
This horse will guide you home
Hold on tight young traveler
Your father leads you home

Within Your Boat

 A wicked life of flesh and want
It holds no worth to me
You have given me your eyes, Oh God
So that I might see
If I were to seek my own
I would merely in flesh settle
The life you have inside your heart
Is a beauty unsettled
I will wait upon your shore
Your boat will sail me home
Others swim from the shore
Content to merely roam
But you offer a purpose
I take it as a gift
Through oceans of dying hearts
You raised me as a lift
Let us sail the seas
Your boat will retain
All other rafts I’ve seen and taken
Are voyages sought in vain
Spread the sail, I shall not bail
Content am I not to steer
In this boat, your words I wrote
And through them have no fear