Desirable

Last night I went to a John Eldredge conference with my dad and some friends. At one point in the talk, he talked about how we make deep agreements within ourselves that the enemy writes up himself. John said that the agreement that he had made with the enemy was that everything was up to him, and that if he didn't do it, it simply would never be done. I zoned out and thought about that for a while, what agreements had I made with the enemy? As I sat there starring at the back of the chair in-front of me, I suddenly head the words "I am not desired". Where did that come from? I searched deep into my mind, trying desperately to find where this had come from. I passed like a phantom through all the years as though it could all be seen in a moment. I saw many things in a flash, but the most prominent one was after summer break last year, at the beginning of the school year.

I remember that first day of history class that Monday morning, I was nervous about going to CAIA for the first time and I walked into class and saw her sitting in the middle of the room. I instantly felt as though I'd left the ground and a million stars burst in the air. I sat through class and pretended like I was paying attention, but really I was just looking at her. I would open my folder to my left and start scribbling on the page just so I could look over at her. After the class I walked into the bookstore and picked up some geography book or something and pretended like I was reading it. I kept glancing over the pages to see her looking right at me. I went home that night feeling like I was on top of the world. The next week I mustered up the courage to talk to her and added her on Facebook the next week. She really seemed to like me alot, she talked to me all the time, sent me quizes such as "on a scale of 1 to 10 how badly do you want to be my boyfriend" and the likes. After a few months, I was certain I was in love with her. I drew pictures of us together and always dreamed of us going to see movies and her getting scared and hiding her head in my shoulder. I was lovestruck. Later that year in the fall I wrote a poem for her and had finally come to the conclusion to send it to her. That was my proposal, that was my asking her to be my girlfriend. I swear the sun froze in the sky that day as I waited for her to reply. She finally replied and told me that I was sweet and that I should always be who I was. I took that as a "yes" and was completely ecstatic. Clearly it wasn't a yes, as we see now 8 months later. Realizing this was the first time that I had really put words to the agreement that I had made; I am not desired. I was heartbroken to say the least. This reaffirmed the lie that I had accepted as truth, the binding contract that I had signed and was now tied to, that I was not desirable, that no one would care to hear from me, that my opinion wasn't worth bullshit.

Ever since a few years ago, I'd considered it to be a privilege for someone to want to talk to me, that it was out of the 'goodness of their hearts'. I couldn't see it any other way, that was just how it was, like there was something about me that people despised. Somewhere along the line, sometime within the last year or so I made an oath. Somehow I drew the conclusion that, If you are stronger of faster or better looking than someone else, you are worth more, that people would like you better, that you would be desired. I made the oath that I would be the strongest, best looking, smartest, coolest guy around. I needed to be desired and this was the only way that I could see. I dropped 50 lbs in about 4-5 months. I ran, I went on diets, I lifted weights, I did everything. The oath I'd made was affecting my thoughts, the way I saw life, the way I saw myself. Now that I look back with that contract, with that agreement in mind, I see how so many things have deepened that promise and confirmed it. It has affected me in so many things that I wish I could change, and still affects me to this day.

I think that it is a good thing for me to talk about it and to put a name on this thing that is in my life. I still, even this week, even today have had this outlook of myself, that I am not desired or wanted, that no body will like me unless I have something to offer. I find myself reaching for things and people that make me feel accepted, that make me feel like I am wanted. I feel as though anyone or anything who comes along and shows interest in me or shows that they would actually want to talk to me or be with me is something I need to grab onto. My heart knows that it is all a lie and that I am not only wanted, but actually desired by God, but my brain feeds me lies and tells me that I'm not wanted and that I have nothing to offer. I know that this is killing me, I know that I need to break free from this bondage. I need prayer and guidance, I need to know that I am not in this alone, that there is always someone there beside me to help me untie these cords, that even if I am all alone in this world I am never alone.

God, help me to clearly see your love for me, show me that I am wanted, tell me that I am desired. I don't want to live under this agreement that I am unwanted or undeserving any longer. Take this lie away from me, burn this contract that keeps me from your love. Show me the truth, don't let me believe these lies from the enemy. Why would I be desired God? Show me why, show me that I am. God, set my heart free.