You know that feeling when you go to the dentist, you feel like a bad person for not brushing the right way or flossing after every meal or swishing your rinse for 30 seconds, yeah, that feeling. That is the same way that church feels. You feel bad for not talking to God as much as you should have that week or donating money to the poor or helping your neighbor with his yard. Why do we feel that way? What part about us makes us feel guilty? I think it has a lot to do with the environment there, the people, the mission, the sermon, stuff like that. Sermons for the most part make us feel guilty, like we need to do more, like we are selfish. They tell us what is wrong with us, where we've had a problem, where we need to ask God for help and then tell us how much it will cost. It's so much like our world, nothing is free. Our church has become a part of the world, rather than being a light that shines out from the world. We are so caught up in what we should do and what would make us a better person that we miss the simple truth, God wants you so much that he paid with everything he had to buy us back. That doesn't fly in our world. Nothing that is worth anything is free. If you can't buy it you don't need it. This is what we have come to, this is the state of our world. We cannot see how honest, how sincere God's gift to us is because we are blinded by the our world. It has been said that the best things in life are free, but have they ever said that about God? It may cost us everything on this earth to follow him, but what does it all matter? Would we be willing to trade everything we own on this earth for eternity? The Dentist says that it will cost you a little time and some money, but it will be a good trade off, but I say that if you will just get out of that chair, walk through those doors and follow him, there will be pain, there will be suffering, but you will have your freedom.
Braveheart Speech
Dentist Chair Salvation
Resistance
We have no idea how important we are or how important we will become. Those words make me feel like I have some destiny, something great ahead of me that I could only imagine. It makes me want to just push that much harder through the attacks. I am fighting for a purpose, albeit one I do not understand, put a purpose none the less. Since the beginning of time there has been a fight for human kind. One side seeks to save us, the other seeks to destroy us. We are the resistance. Our lives are so much more valuable than just the amount of cash we bring in or how big of a global footprint we make, our lives are worth starting a war for. All around the world, on the news, in books, in life, I see people who take their own lives for something as worthless as money. All the things on this earth, money, power, sex, they are all formulations used to distract us from what is really going on here, a fight for our very souls. It is not some petty squabble that rises and falls over time, it is a full blown war that has raged on for thousands of years. The enemy knows what we will become and is trying his best to stop that future from coming true. He tried to kill Jesus, our savior so that we would loose hope and submit to the darkness, but we still have hope. He will squeeze every ounce of life out of us to try and douse that hope, that faith that we are apart of something that we cannot see, some great war that we are caught up in that will end with our liberator freeing us from this world. Hope is a concern, faith is a threat. He will stop at no end to keep us from fighting, to subdue us and bring us into order, there is no extreme for him. He will hit you at your lowest point, he will strike where it hurts, he will absolutely break you down to try and keep us from hoping. We must not give in, we must not concede.
"Right now the most important thing is to stay alive, you have no idea how important you are or how important you will become" -John Connor, Terminator: Salvation-
Body in Chains
My spirit longs to be free, but my body is still in chains, still tied to the ground. Until I am able to forsake everything on this earth, until I can give it all up, I will never be free; I will still be ruled by this earth. Nothing would make the enemy happier that to keep me in check, to keep me from becoming free, for freedom is dangerous. If I can become free from this world, nothing on this earth can pull me down, nothing can keep me from my father. Nothing is more dangerous, nothing is more threatening. This is my fight on this earth, and I will win my freedom even if I have to fight through hell to get it.
Freedom
I watched the movie Bella with my family tonight. Wow, what a powerful movie. Juan and Nina, two ordinary people just trying to find their way end up on the same path together. During this friendship, this journey, they end up freeing each other. What a beautiful thing, when you can free someone just to free them, no second offers, no binding agreements, you truly set them free. This image is especially beautiful to me, it awakens some deep identity within me, the liberator. He seeks not for himself, he often is spit upon and blamed for making things worse when in fact he is fighting for their very freedom, for their lives. This image is not anything new, as long as man has been in bondage to this world he has sought a liberator, a savior, someone to set him free. In Gladiator Maximus is the liberator, the savior. He dies not knowing just how many he had set free or that his sacrifice would end the gladiator games in Rome, he simply fought for freedom. In Once (I know, I always come back to this movie), guy and girl find themselves thrown together, two lost people who find their freedom and then they simply part paths. There are no contracts, no chains, they are truly free. The worldly view of freedom is simple: I set you free, you help me out. I scratch your back you scratch mine. That's it? Where is the freedom in that? It is like having your chains knocked off only to have a rope tied around your neck. God came to truly set us free, to unleash our hearts. He does not say 'I will set you free but then you have to follow me', he simply fights for our freedom. God is our liberator, he is our savior.
One Eyed Man
"A one eyed man is far less complete than a blind man. He knows what he lacks." -Victor Hugo, the Hunchback of Notre Dame-Something is missing, this is not quite right. Our lives on this earth are not complete. We are walking around with only one eye and we feel it. We have gone from total intimacy with God to a godless world. We have tasted paradise, we have seen the gates, but we see them no more. We have lost sight of them. Nothing on this earth can fill this empty socket, no amount of power or wealth or happiness can replace that which we have lost. We have lost paradise and nothing but that will satisfy that longing, that desire. God has given us this one eye so for this very reason, so that we see our own incompleteness, our own fallen world. This is just a taste of how hell will be, total separation from God, total blindness. Someday we will see for the first time, we will see true beauty and life. The sunsets we see in this world that give us such hope, such life are God's sign that he is waiting, he is longing for us. And like the sun after a black and cold night, he will rise, shining brilliantly and give us a new life.
"We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright!"
-1 Corinthians 13:12, The Message-
The Death of Silence
I hear fantastic stories from some of my friends about just how busy and connected their days are. They go from one phone call to another, sending texts and and e-mails all day long. I used to envy those people, the people who didn't have any time to be bored. It was not until recently that I began to pity them. They cannot stand to be alone, they can't even function without some form of communication. They hide behind their connections, their friends so they don't have to face the silence. It is so sad to me, not being able to just go on a bike ride alone, not able to just go sit by a river and spend some time with God. For me, I need that time; I would be a wreck without it. I just need to be able to completely unplug and get away from it all, to be able to take a walk through the park, just me and God. It is such an empty feeling that most people have, where the only things they need they can touch and see.
My friend Sophie is always looking down; she rarely has more that 30 seconds without an incoming text. She has told me that she really misses the time where she has nothing going, those rare times when she can just go on a walk and turn off her phone. Our world is unable to unplug. It is the problem of our generation. It is so hard just to leave it all, to walk away and not look back because for one reason or another we always get pulled back in.
Silence is being threatened, it is being controlled. No longer do you have to wait eagerly for your friend to drive across town to hang out with you, no longer do you need to be face to face to have unity. Unity is no more than 30 clicks and an enter away. For most, to have any time alone is unnerving; they feel as though they can hear the clock ticking upon the wall. It is frightening. Texting is one of the simplest ways to deal with the silence, the simplest way to kill it is slowly but surely killing us. What does that say about us? What kind of life do we live? How can we call it life if there is no life? If we can no longer stop and smell the roses or simply take in a breath of fresh air, we have lost a deep part of us. Silence is a slowly dying forest, gradually being chopped down and paved to make way for a "better" and "more connected" life. Silence is being killed and we are holding the axes.
A Candle's Light
Think about a candle, what is it about it that captivates us, what is it that feels so free about it? It flickers, it lessens, it takes a rest. Some would argue that it would be better if it was predictable, if it would always be there, always be consistent (hence the lightbulb), but they are missing the true beauty beneath. It is because it is not always there, it is because it is alive that it is beautiful. It is so contradictory to us, where we think that beauty is forever or that what stays is what counts, what stands firm is what will last. If it won't stay we will make it.
It is a very freeing thing to know that there will not always be the same feeling, the same life, the same light. Just because there is not constant life in something, or the same amount of vitality or connection does not mean that it has died, it is living and breathing. Nothing that claims to have full life all the time will last.
One of my dearest friends is the one whom I rarely talk to and even more seldom see, and yet when we do talk, it is just as if we had never stopped. Our friendship is like a candle, it is not that it is losing it's fire, it merely flickers, bright one moment and appears nearly gone the next. It never did die, it merely flickered.
In the movie Once, guy and girl have the same relationship. They don't need to have each other to love one another, they do not need to have a constant flame. They can go their own ways without feeling remorse or regret. Their love did not die, it did not cease.
In The Legend of Bagger Vance, Bagger is a great friend to Junuh. They grow together, they work together, but when the time comes for Bagger to go, Junuh feels betrayed, he feels as though he needs him. Although Bagger left, Junuh knew that he would see him again, and that until then the candle would have to be dim, but that is the way of all things.
Right now in this world we are at a dim part in our love with God. We were burning bright in the garden, full of life and love, but it did not last for long. We think that the love is gone, that God has forgoten about us, but the truth is that the love must flicker to be love. One day soon, our love will outshine even the sun, but this time, it will never die down.
Life nor Death
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Nothing. Not even death can separate us from the love of God, that is the extent of his love for us. How many things do you know that defeat even death itself? This does not mean that he loves us as long as we are under his wings or withing his reach, this means that he would journey through hell to save us, His children.
I had never really thought about it like that, I mean I knew that he loved us and all, and I knew that he died for us, but I never really saw it for the beauty that it is. We are being held hostage, being chained up, being tortured by the d
arkness and God has come to set us free. I saw his sacrifice as a chore that he was told to do, not as him laying down his life for his children. I watched Taken last night and was left in tears at the end of the movie. The father didn't even think, he didn't even hesitate to save his daughter. He fought through hell to save her. He was beaten, he was shot at and was pulled down by the government, yet he suffered it all. That was the extent of his love.It was such a beautiful portrait of God. If the love of our earthly father would cause him to fight for our freedom, how much more would be the love of God for us, those who are born of his spirit. He knew that it would hurt like hell, he knew that he was giving himself over to become flesh, to become mortal. Not only did he have to endure more pain than could possibly be imagined, but he had to be cut off from his father who was as much apart of him as he himself was. That must have far exceeded any pain that could be delivered to his flesh. God saw that we had been captured, that we needed freedom and he dove head first into hell to save us from it. As much love as we can feel on this earth, in these bodies, it could never compare to the sheer brilliance of God's love for us.
Duty
Duty. That word makes my skin crawl. When someone says duty, they generally mean serving one's country or volunteering once a month or something like that, but duty is used as a chain around our necks. "It is your duty to God to go to church Johnny", might say one mother, but does that really sound like duty to God or duty to man? God gave us free will so that loving him is our choice, not his or your youth pastor's, or anyone else's. If we are going out of duty to God, what does that say about us? It says that we consider God a check box. We check him off once a week or maybe even twice a week if we are really ''spiritual" and then we just go about our week normally, to us He is no more than something to overcome in the week. Why do we see him like that? Why do we feel the need to go out to get close to him when he is sitting on the couch with you? We say that we believe that God is everywhere but "going to church" shows what we really believe; God is a quaintity, an energy that needs to be replenished now and then. If you wanted to talk with your friend and grow in your relationship with that friend you would go get coffee or something right? Why is it then that we only grow our relationship with God at a church? Because it is hard to have a personal relationship.
We were talking a few days ago about mother's day, how it is a set apart date to celebrate mom so that you can make up for all the times you were "too busy" to talk. We need mother's day because we choose not to have a good relationship with our mom's. Church is the same way. We check God off of our list so that we don't feel guilty for not talking to him. Just remember this, you can't fool God. You may be able to sneak past the fact that you haven't talked to your mom by writing her a card or sending her flowers, but God looks at the heart.
Since we left stopped having church, I haven't felt guilty about not going to church once. I have a realtionship with God, I've thrown the checklist away and taken out my stationary.
Heart
How do you describe something so mysterious? Our heart is so much more than an organ that pumps blood through our veins, it is what drives us, what connects us with God. Our heart is as mysterious as the one who breathed life into us. No one can tell you how to follow your heart, no one can show you how it works. Human ways have no control over the heart; They have no passage they have no safety. God gave us our hearts to give us life, without it we would be no more than empty carcasses that follow where they are shown. Many chastise their hearts, they lock it up and keep it behind bars. It certainly is much easier to be ruled by your mind, for indeed if your heart is free it will be hurt, but is living life in fear, in denial really living at all? There is an old saying that all men die, but not all men truly live. Can you truly live at all without your heart, or is life just a specific set of movements and choices that lead to the final end result? You cannot live in both worlds, in the world of the mind and the world of the heart, they are opposing in every way. What one tries to capture and reserve the other releases and lets wild, what one seeks to put out the other seeks to raise up. It is not safe at all, it is quite dangerous in fact. It is placed in check in a world of order and discipline, where whatever cannot be controlled must be destroyed. Satan will do whatever he can to destroy it, without it you are no longer any worry to him. God gave us our hearts to follow, not to shut up and push away. Our hearts are struggling to break free of our bodies and go to the father, to return to Him. Let it free.
Desirable
Last night I went to a John Eldredge conference with my dad and some friends. At one point in the talk, he talked about how we make deep agreements within ourselves that the enemy writes up himself. John said that the agreement that he had made with the enemy was that everything was up to him, and that if he didn't do it, it simply would never be done. I zoned out and thought about that for a while, what agreements had I made with the enemy? As I sat there starring at the back of the chair in-front of me, I suddenly head the words "I am not desired". Where did that come from? I searched deep into my mind, trying desperately to find where this had come from. I passed like a phantom through all the years as though it could all be seen in a moment. I saw many things in a flash, but the most prominent one was after summer break last year, at the beginning of the school year.
I remember that first day of history class that Monday morning, I was nervous about going to CAIA for the first time and I walked into class and saw her sitting in the middle of the room. I instantly felt as though I'd left the ground and a million stars burst in the air. I sat through class and pretended like I was paying attention, but really I was just looking at her. I would open my folder to my left and start scribbling on the page just so I could look over at her. After the class I walked into the bookstore and picked up some geography book or something and pretended like I was reading it. I kept glancing over the pages to see her looking right at me. I went home that night feeling like I was on top of the world. The next week I mustered up the courage to talk to her and added her on Facebook the next week. She really seemed to like me alot, she talked to me all the time, sent me quizes such as "on a scale of 1 to 10 how badly do you want to be my boyfriend" and the likes. After a few months, I was certain I was in love with her. I drew pictures of us together and always dreamed of us going to see movies and her getting scared and hiding her head in my shoulder. I was lovestruck. Later that year in the fall I wrote a poem for her and had finally come to the conclusion to send it to her. That was my proposal, that was my asking her to be my girlfriend. I swear the sun froze in the sky that day as I waited for her to reply. She finally replied and told me that I was sweet and that I should always be who I was. I took that as a "yes" and was completely ecstatic. Clearly it wasn't a yes, as we see now 8 months later. Realizing this was the first time that I had really put words to the agreement that I had made; I am not desired. I was heartbroken to say the least. This reaffirmed the lie that I had accepted as truth, the binding contract that I had signed and was now tied to, that I was not desirable, that no one would care to hear from me, that my opinion wasn't worth bullshit.
Ever since a few years ago, I'd considered it to be a privilege for someone to want to talk to me, that it was out of the 'goodness of their hearts'. I couldn't see it any other way, that was just how it was, like there was something about me that people despised. Somewhere along the line, sometime within the last year or so I made an oath. Somehow I drew the conclusion that, If you are stronger of faster or better looking than someone else, you are worth more, that people would like you better, that you would be desired. I made the oath that I would be the strongest, best looking, smartest, coolest guy around. I needed to be desired and this was the only way that I could see. I dropped 50 lbs in about 4-5 months. I ran, I went on diets, I lifted weights, I did everything. The oath I'd made was affecting my thoughts, the way I saw life, the way I saw myself. Now that I look back with that contract, with that agreement in mind, I see how so many things have deepened that promise and confirmed it. It has affected me in so many things that I wish I could change, and still affects me to this day.
I think that it is a good thing for me to talk about it and to put a name on this thing that is in my life. I still, even this week, even today have had this outlook of myself, that I am not desired or wanted, that no body will like me unless I have something to offer. I find myself reaching for things and people that make me feel accepted, that make me feel like I am wanted. I feel as though anyone or anything who comes along and shows interest in me or shows that they would actually want to talk to me or be with me is something I need to grab onto. My heart knows that it is all a lie and that I am not only wanted, but actually desired by God, but my brain feeds me lies and tells me that I'm not wanted and that I have nothing to offer. I know that this is killing me, I know that I need to break free from this bondage. I need prayer and guidance, I need to know that I am not in this alone, that there is always someone there beside me to help me untie these cords, that even if I am all alone in this world I am never alone.
God, help me to clearly see your love for me, show me that I am wanted, tell me that I am desired. I don't want to live under this agreement that I am unwanted or undeserving any longer. Take this lie away from me, burn this contract that keeps me from your love. Show me the truth, don't let me believe these lies from the enemy. Why would I be desired God? Show me why, show me that I am. God, set my heart free.
Imitators of Christ
Imitators of Christ. We've heard it our whole lives growing up, that you somehow need to look up at the picture o
f God and copy every move he makes. How can we imitate something we cannot see? A little boy in a church pew is told that it means wearing a monkey suit, taking notes about the pastor's sermon and giving his dollar when the silver tray comes around. Is that who God is? Is that really imitating Him?
My friend and I were talking the other day about working out (not an uncommon subject for anyone who knows me) when she brought up the point about exercise trends, and how some people stay committed and others don't. "I think it mostly has to do with the type of people you hang around with," she said, "I heard about a study that surveyed several overweight people, one group that had lean friends and the other that had friends in their same weight range. The people who hung out with the lean friends lost significantly more weight and kept up those habits much more so than the other group. It really makes a lot of sense.
I remember first starting back to soccer over a year ago, first starting to get my butt off the couch and being forced to run 1 mile jogs before practice every Wednesday. I almost always finished last, or at least close to the end. It was so frustrating for me, who used to be my lean sprinter back a few years ago. Over half the members of our team were in track and crosstrek, obviously they were hard to catch up to. It was then when I first started working out, forcing myself to run to the point of exhaustion, trying to catch up to them. I was chasing them with every muscle in my body.
S0 just how do we become imitators of Christ? Is it by doing the right thing, by hanging out with the right people, or is it by chasing him with every muscle in your body, striving to get just a bit closer, to just touch the fringe or his robe. God is not some lock that opens with the right combination, or the right set of numbers, He is alive and moving, begging us to follow his lead. We must chase him as the moon chases the sun, pouring itself out just to see the the light he gives. God is not some destination nor is he the finish line of the race, he is the race.
God in a Nutshell
Nutshell, Box, Cage, Boundary, They are all the same. They all say that what is under the label is what is inside. People try to put God in a nutshell. They say that God is the bible, that God is predictable, that God is safe. They are trying to put God in a nutshell. God cannot be defined, He cannot be tamed, He cannot be bound. He has no beginning and no end. I don't know about you but I've never seen a box that big.
God is like the wind, you don't know where it's going, you cannot see where it's been. You can't trap it or label it, It just is. People don't want to think that there is some undefined thing in our world, in the world of science and technology where we can analyze even the smallest form of life. It is uncomfortable to think that there is something out there that is wild and free. Just think about how we treat raccoons or bears or lions. We put up fences, we put them in a zoo, we erase the thought of them from our mind. We capture, we confine, we define. We deny that there is something that is out there, that there is something that could spring on us at any moment.
We have no problem with keeping it out of our mind's eye. We feel we are better off not knowing it exists. But you need to know, you need to feel as though you are not safe, as though at any moment this wild and untamed spirit will take you down a completely new path, somewhere dangerous. God is untamed, unmangled, uncontrollable, but he is good. It is in this that we find peace.
Postcards
Have you ever looked at a situation and only see one small part of it? Or have you even thought that this one thing matters more than anything else on the earth? That's how I've been thinking for quite some time. It's like looking at a postcard of Colorado when you are actually there, standing before it, the real thing. It is hard not to think that whatever is right in front of you is the most important thing, that nothing else matters, but that is just a road block designed to trip you up. The danger comes from dwelling on something, living and breathing that one thing that is in your way, trying to find a solution to an unsolvable equation. It is hard for us to keep our head in the clouds when we've got our eyes on the ground. No amount of worrying is going to make it any better, it just pulls you further down into the ground, trapped by tiny spiders webs. All this stuff and all these problems are woven together, one thing after another until Satan can find a way to keep you trapped on this earth. He's will do anything to keep you from being united with Christ, from living up to your true life because he knows that once he no longer has any hold on you, he has lost. God wants you to be free, he's crying out your name. But as long as our eyes are on the ground, we won't see God.
I will lift my eyes to the hills to where my help comes from, my help comes from the lord
Love Never Fails
It's hard not to feel as though I haven't accomplished anything, that these last 8 months of pain and suffering have meant nothing, but that is where I am being fooled. How do you measure a year? 525600 minutes? 365 days? by all the tears and all the blood? Measure this precious time in love. If you have lived your life in love, no amount of muscle gained or weight lost matters anything. Love is what matters. People look for engagements and jobs and money for fulfillment, for the substance of measuring "progress", but what have you really gained? Has any of this had eternal value? What is in the word progress? Empty lies and deceit, illusions formulated to distract us from what is really going on here. We are fighting a war, one not won by might or valor, but by freedom and love. Where nothing that you can touch is worth fighting for, where all enemies are unseen, where nothing matters but love.
If I have the gift of prophesy and have all wisdom and all knowledge, but have not love, I....am....nothing
Sundial
In this life, we never know fully what is going to happen. Uncertainty is a very scary thing to most (myself included). It is a very sobering thought to think that you have no idea what is around the corner. All human philosophy teaches that man is the answer to all his own problems, that he is his own salvation and he is in control of what happens to himself, so it is kind of a shock to think that you are so in the dark. When we feel like we are in control, or at least feel like we understand what is happening, we feel as though everything is right, that everything is clear. It is when we feel trapped underneath something we cannot see that we start to realize that there is something bigger than ourselves, that there is more to our world than meets the eye. It is in these times of darkness when we must look to God and simply say, "God, I trust you". God's plan is not what we expect, or even what we think is needed, but it is good, just as God himself is good. We just have to trust that God's timing is not our own and that whatever He is doing is for the good of his children.