Lost to Regrets

  Do you ever get the feeling that you are working so hard towards something, and just when you are finished, that thing seems to vanish? It is as if I spent endless hours preparing a campsite, making the fire and setting up the tents, but only for me to sit alone starring into the flames that lick the sky.

  This feeling has been set on repeat in my life, like an endless alarm clock that will not turn off. I will rush home to finish my homework, and get everything that I need to done only to sit alone in my room, waiting and watching. I do not know what I am waiting for, or when it will come, yet I wait all the same. On nights like tonight when I should be able to rest easy knowing that I have nothing left to do in the day, I feel that there is always something missing. The words from a song by Blink182 keep coming to mind: "I can't wait 'till I get home to pass the time in my room alone..."

  Several months back (maybe weeks, these days seem so slow), I wrote a post about a dream that I'd had several times and that...well, I'll just paste it in here:

A dream.

I dream that I am going along, as one normally would in a days journey. Cleaning up here, doing school, perhaps calling a friend up to go see a movie. Always, though, there is a nagging sense that I have left something behind, or that I am missing something really important. Like a great grandfather clock in the hall, always in the back of my mind, silently overruling me. I search the drawers, I look through the creaking cabinets, through my backpack and in my car. Unable to remember, unable to call upon previous memories to look back on, unable to do anything but continue on and hope that it wasn't terribly important. Nothing can be too great to leave behind, right?

  I have the insatiable feeling that there is more to this than I give credit for, yet every time I look back and  seek answers, I find nothing. Am I looking for remains of better days? Maybe my mind is searching in the past thinking that all is not lost. Perhaps all is not lost, yet I have moved on. I do not regret what is behind me, nor do I wish to return, but I can't help miss the warmth that is captured in thoughts of yesterday.

  So in summation, I have no summary. Sometimes life is only presented, not fully solved. If I cannot find some way to move on or find peace in the past, taking them for what they were and loving the memory of them, I will loose myself to regrets.