Wow, Titanic. Theme of my life the last few months. It is a story of a fight with God, yes, like me and then God and then fight. It one of the hardest days of my life thats for sure.
It all happened over our christmas vacation this year. I had prayed a lot over our vacation, asking that God would make it a time of renewal as well as a time to break me down and destroy the boundaries I had formed over the year. I did not even realize just how much junk had built up, how much there was holding me back from walking with God. Out of this journey, though, came so many songs and lyrics and poems, and that was one of the problems. I found (as you may have read in my post 'Letters On a Page'), that I was almost using the time I had with God, that I was taking his love for granted and that I was seeking for my own to some degree. So there I was, on the back porch writing out in the freezing (quite literally) cold. I had been writing some lyrics and then all of the sudden, it stopped. I could not think, I could not write, I was helpless. I started talking to God and asking him what was going on. No answer. No explanation. Over the next half hour, I talked myself up into a rage, a burning anger that God had left me. We took some family pictures (I tired my best to smile the whole time) and then I eventually felt called out to go on a walk, like God was pulling a rope at my neck and beckoning me. Sitting beneath a rotting oak tree, I started unloading it all; I felt like I was punching God over and over and over. "Why are you not here? Is that really love God? You say you would never leave me, but you are a liar". As I write these words, I realize just what I was accusing Him of, what I was saying of Him. Yet as I flailed my arms and threw my punches, I just heard these subtle words in the back of my mind: "Unload it all. Lay it all down on the ground", and so I did. When I was all worn out, when I had nothing left to say, I sat there for several minutes, not really expecting God to say anything, yet waiting all the same. I started talking again, kind of calming myself down, trying to find some reason in what was going on here. Then it hit me, like a semi-truck on the highway, totally blindsiding me. It was not God that was closing His hear, it was me. Wow. I sat and wept for what felt like hours. Was I really closing myself off from God? My hot tears melted the packed snow beneath me; I now saw what God had been trying to show me all week. God is not the words that come from me, He is what the words come from. Now I know, now I have seen. He has grown me in this brokenness, he has used this pain to bring about healing and new life. And for that it was worth every moment and every tear.
Well, that is most of my story (kinda long I know; I need to put my blog on a diet). After I took off a few days from writing, I came up with this song to put words to my week. Thanks for reading all of you out there.
Titanic (too strong to fail)
I miss the place of tears
Where I was frail and weak
You saved me from those fears
Now I rest upon this peak
But the strength here is too great
I feel too strong to rest
I miss having to wait
And lying in your nest
Bring me into weakness
Let me call on you
Make my mouth go speechless
Bring me back to you
God I want to need your heart
To be lost without you
God I want to need your heart
To be lost without
Make a pain when we're apart
Pull these veins back to your route
As the smoke is rising
Some things need to burn
Through the fire appetizing
God teach me how to learn
The Titanic was too strong to sink
Yet still you brought her down
I feel my heart upon the brink
Save me as I drown
I need to break, I feel the weight
This tower grows too tall
The day grows late at an alarming rate
Catch me as I fall
